Every time I bump into a wannabe princess longing for her fairytale romance, I remember this funny cartoon and I giggle. I used to dream of a fairytale too. I was a huge fan of Cinderella, although I have no sisters, my mother is not cold-hearted or wicked, and I don’t do house chores.
Seven years of a toxic relationship and a divorce later, I am ready to pinpoint everything that’s wrong with this heart-shaped, rose-scented, golden-sparkled, foamy-bubble devil of a construct that does nothing else but lay the path to misery.
1. Benevolent Sexism
Everyone wants the fairy tale, but don’t forget there are dragons in those stories. ― R. Queen, Darkchylde
Dragons, witches, trolls… While any decent fairytale gets rid of these villains before they cause harm and the princess marries their slayer, this damsel-in-distress scenario is highly toxic.
Going a little deeper into the differential treatment of genders, we can see that it perpetrates regressive and patronizing myths about women. A cursed trope we run into in literature, movies, video games, and various forms of art. And a big no-no in the book/movie/game of my life.
This perception of women as fair, innocent, caring, pure, fragile, and in need of a man’s protection, is part of what psychology calls benevolent sexism. Which, as this 2014 study showed, “predicts dissatisfaction and more negative well-being” in marriage.
In conclusion, exposing common myths and unrealistic expectations about romantic partners increases marital satisfaction and the likelihood of relationship longevity. Check and check.
2. Present vs. Future
Magic works in accordance to its own time. There is no happily ever after; there’s only right now. ― Sasha Graham, Dark Wood Tarot
Just because you want something to be true, it doesn’t mean it is. This is just a wishful thinking trap that often blinds us to unexpected drawbacks or perverse results. An emotional bias that affects our decision-making.
Magic aside, the key point here is that the only certainty we have is the present. This is why we should live in the moment and try to make the best of what we have, instead of fantasizing about the future, however desirable or probable it may be. Desirable, impossible, and untrue — as is the case with fairytale romances.
3. Self-Love
I want to find a way to teach every young girl who has ever dreamed of fairytales that the first person she is to fall in love with should be herself. ― R. Clift
If I may quote myself from two months back: “Self-love has become synonymous with self-care, self-responsibility, self-respect, and self-knowledge. All these are now considered fundamental pillars for mental health.”
Self-love is authentic, accepts imperfections, strives to add value, and establishes healthy boundaries. Yes, it may sound paradoxical, but self-love helps us accept ourselves for who we are, all the while keeping alive a constant desire for self-improvement.
Most importantly, we define relationships based upon how much we care for others and respect ourselves. When we lack self-love, we deny the self “the inner resources to give fully to others without judging, without holding back.” [1]
4. The Danger Inside
The wolves in the woods have sharp teeth and long claws, but it’s the wolf inside who will tear you apart. ― Jennifer Donnelly, Stepsister
We are often our own worst enemy and self-sabotage our relationships because they don’t meet our standards. Our unrealistic expectations are the wolves, dragons, witches, and trolls that we have to fight to save ourselves.
We are the knight in shining armor, the princess, and the villain all at once. But it’s easier to see ourselves as simple victims and expect others to jump in, clear the mess, and carry us into the sunset.
5. Reality vs. Fiction
Life itself is the most wonderful fairytale of all. ― Hans Christian Andersen
I cannot think of a better ending, and it couldn’t have come from someone else than a master of emotions, fairytales, and words.
We are the writers of our books and the directors of our movies. We are the characters and the actors. We are the reason behind every choice that we make, and we must live our lives accordingly. Fairytale or not, we are responsible for shaping our story and for enjoying life day by day.
. . .
Please don’t get me wrong… I love happy endings, but not “something blessed with unusual happiness”, as Wikipedia puts it. I mean, not only are fairytales not true, but they could not possibly be true either. Not in the current universe we breathe and opine in.
Wishing for something that doesn’t exist is the most certain way to end up unhappy, and that’s not something to have on a wish list.
And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my happily ever after, the one that constantly helps me make the right choice, divorce included, may his days be blessed.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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The post One Venti Romance With No Fairytale Please appeared first on The Good Men Project.