I was 26 and in the prime of my life
I had a good job, a nice car, and lived in the beautiful city of Los Angeles
By many standards life was really good
I was even starting to dip my toe into the ‘personal development’ world and little by little was becoming more self aware
At one of these early personal development courses I met a man named Alex
Alex was older, attentive, and interesting
We hit it off in class and I was pleasantly surprised when he asked for my number as soon as class ended to hang out
I still remember driving over to my girlfriend’s apartment that afternoon to tell them the good news
They couldn’t believe I met such a great sounding guy so easily!
Alex and I’s relationship started to slowly develop
We went out for drinks, he picked me up for a movie, we had dinner at the diner into the early hours of the night
All was headed in the right direction
Except for one thing:
He’d recently ended an 11 year relationship and didn’t want to “ever do monogamy again”
Being young, naive, and lacking significant relationship experience that didn’t phase me at the time
We continued to spend time together and I just thought that was his thing to deal with
I was totally entitled to develop my own feelings for him, wasn’t I?
But no, Alex was serious
In fact when it was time to discuss sex he said:
“I can’t do this with you, you’ll get attached and I don’t want to get involved in anything serious again”
You’d think that would have been my red flag, my awakening, my ah-ha moment
But sadly, no
Instead of hearing his words clearly, as he directly communicated
“I don’t want anything serious”
I challenged him and tried to convince him otherwise
Until finally, he agreed we could sleep together
But it had to be in the context of an open relationship
Again, I had little to no concept of what an actual open relationship meant or entailed
Truly, I was that inexperienced
I did not realize it would mean he’d date and sleep with other women while we were also together
Until, that’s exactly what happened
We were making plans to hang out one night and he said
“Just so you know I’m seeing Rachel beforehand, if that’s not a big deal for you, I can come over after?”
To which I said it was fine (again, not fully realizing what this meant)
When he got to my apartment that night (after just having slept with Rachel) he asked if he could shower
Getting in to rinse off he said:
“I love how cool you are with this by the way, I’m really glad we could make this work”
And in that moment, that’s when I got it
It finally clicked what a good deal he WAS getting and how truly naive I had been
Here I was trying build serious intimacy and connection with this person I really liked who didn’t have the same desire or intention
But, I didn’t want to let him go so I put the feelings aside and continued to see him
Our time together was sweet, fun, and enjoyable
But unfortunately, I got really attached
I now wanted him all to myself
“Molly, I told you I didn’t want a serious relationship. I don’t think I even believe in monogamy anymore, I can’t give that to you”
Now fully realizing my delusion that “maybe one day he would just magically change his mind” was shattered
I was left in the dust feeling heartbroken, rejected, and immensely sad
I really liked this man but he wouldn’t chose me and our connection
…
The world continued to turn, I moved on with my life and dated someone new
Unfortunately that ended too and I found myself back in LA post-breakup
I thought “Hm, I wonder what Alex is up to, I could use a good no-strings-attached rebound hook-up” and sent him a text
He replied pretty quickly saying
“Molly, it’s nice to hear from you! You’ll never believe it but I actually can’t meet up. I’m seeing someone new and we’re in a monogamous relationship. I hope all is well with you.”
My mouth was on the ground in shock
I had now officially been double rejected by this man
Not only did he reject me and leave me high and dry when I had the desire for a serious relationship
But he turned around and took my same desire and fulfilled it with a different woman
In that moment I learned the biggest, most profound (and painful) lesson of all time:
The person with the strongest desire, wins
Holding the Weight of Your Desire
While I wanted to hate Alex until the end of time
I quickly saw the lesson staring me straight in the eyes
See, it wasn’t that Alex didn’t want a monogamous relationship
I mean, maybe a little
What happened was he met a woman who fully owned her desire (for a committed relationship) which put him in the position of
Fulfilling her desire and surrendering to the commitment she was asking him for
Or lose her
See, I wanted a serious, committed relationship with Alex
I had always liked him and our connection
I really felt something
But when he said “I can’t do monogamy” I said
“Ok, that will still work for me”
When deeply, it did not
I wasn’t willing to fully hold my desire all the way and either negotiate with Alex
Or turn on to the point where he saw the value in remaining in connection with me
I wasn’t willing to walk away knowing my desire was true and was worth being fulfilled by someone
Instead, I folded, gave all my power away to him and shrank just hoping he’d pick me in some way shape or form
In those moments when I chose to keep seeing Alex despite our mismatch, I quite literally was abandoning myself and my desire
Dimming my power and giving up on what I really wanted
What Makes Us Untrustworthy
Not only is acquiescing to something you’re not a yes to (an open relationship when you want monogamy) disempowering
It also makes you untrustworthy
See, I’m not at all surprised that my connection with Alex ultimately disintegrated
The entire time I wasn’t being honest and all that dissonance of what I knew was true for me (building intimacy that would remain just between us)
And what was happening (the electricity we were generating getting spread into the multiple other connections he was having)
Was immense
When you can’t hold a boundary or can’t stand up for what you want
It makes you untrustworthy
Resentment will undoubtedly surface in the future for whoever we’re connected to
Now on the other side of this, this is probably the biggest part of the work I do in my coaching practice with clients
If you have a desire: it’s your responsibility to communicate it clearly, make clear and specific requests to the other person how you’d like the desire fulfilled or how you see them being involved, and let go of the results
The other person is fully entitled to say no, make a counter request, or get more clarification before saying yes.
Where your responsibility lies is that if they’re a no it’s on you to decide how you’d like to proceed
If they’re a yes it’s on you to give them everything they’d need to succeed in fulfilling your desire and needs
Sort Quickly
Almost 6 years later I’ve learned to have compassion for that version of myself
I was afraid to stand up for myself and my desires
I was afraid to lose a little bit of a good thing
I was afraid to slow down and really communicate
Since then I’ve learned so much of dating is simply a sorting exercise
It’s on you to be clear, direct, and unattached to what you’re desiring in future partnership but also in all of life!
It’s also on you to let people go with grace who do not share the same desires and future vision
Dating is simply sorting and doing your best to not cause harm in the process of finding the person or people who align with what you’re wanting and needing
When we can approach dating with a bit more detachment and understanding that we’re all complex people with complex needs it takes some of the pressure off
…
Learn to have reverence and respect for your desires.
You deserve to see them come to life and be fulfilled with someone who is excited to see you have them.
Get the courage to walk away quickly from people who make it clear they can’t (or don’t have the willingness) to meet your needs.
Understand that sorting is part of the dating process. Some will, some won’t, but whatever you do, don’t settle and acquiescence. That only leads to resentment and hurt down the line.
Thanks for reading! Molly is dating and relationship coach for high-achieving, single women in their 30s. Attend her next masterclass here.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: GRAHAM MANSFIELD on Unsplash
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