There’s a show my partner and I enjoyed immensely, called Californication. Aside from starring David Duchovny, who manages to be a ladies’ man and a man’s man simultaneously as brilliant writer Hank Moody, the storylines are — quite frankly –hot and exciting.
Basically, Hank Moody is an aimless bachelor, who has all kinds of sexual encounters thanks to his author fame, good looks, and charm. On the flipside of the coin, he has a wonderful ex-partner (played by Natascha McElhone) a smart, sensitive daughter (Madeleine Martin) and a later-introduced son (Oliver Cooper) that he cares very much about — although he lets them down repeatedly.
The show, while definitely entertaining, is really about the power of love versus lust in my opinion. In almost every episode, Hank tries to balance his compulsion to have random sex with his loyalty to his family. He keeps coming back to his ex, knowing how wonderful she is, but then gets lured away again by some sexy admirer.
Love and desire are often put into the same box when it comes to relationships. And yes, of course they can exist together. It’s thought that we desire partners more sexually when we have an emotional connection with them. However, even in long-term relationships with high levels of trust and security (and love), the sexual excitement can wane.
It has been long thought that men are the ones that seek outside intimacy as the relationship matures. However, while definitely true, some research also shows that female desire can also drop off in a long-term relationship. (Of course, there are many ways that married partners can try to keep the flame burning.)
There are many factors as to why sexual desire may nosedive, in both men and women. However, in my opinion, there’s too much pressure for “love” and sexual desire to exist together. One of them is essentially a man-made word we use to describe our deep feelings of connection, and the other is an animalistic instinct (sometimes called “lizard brain”) that came along before relationships were a thing. In other words, lust predates our modern notion of love.
Love and lust differ in the brain
How do you define love? Is it comfort? Security? Trust? Respect? All of those are great elements of a healthy relationship. However, the meaning of love is still debated.
There’s a belief by some psychologists that “love” is a drive, not a human emotion. The argument is that “love” releases dopamine, which makes us feel good. Since dopamine dates back to before humans had complex emotions, they claim it’s a primitive impulse. However, those who oppose this view point out that dopamine also plays a major role in our current-day impulse management.
Love is more likely rooted in emotion. It is something greater than sex. It is not an instant attraction to a person (that’s infatuation, which leads to lust), but rather something that develops with time and effort.
Love and lust even trigger different parts of the brain, which further illustrates they are not the same. They can exist independently from each other. Lust tends to trigger the pleasure centers of your brain (the same ones that light up when we eat yummy food), while love is more rooted in our habits. This suggests love takes time to “bake,” while lust can deliver a quick reward.
Comfort does not always satisfy desire
This is why some otherwise good people cheat in comfortable relationships. While there is a level of trust and routine — knowing you can count on your partner — it’s not always exciting. Familiarity is not the most thrilling. It’s why people end up taking each other for granted over time.
Here’s a helpful metaphor:
Think of people who live beside a beautiful lake or mountain range. At first, they will take pictures, hike, climb, swim, anything to be part of it all. But after a while, they stop feeling in awe about their beautiful surroundings.
This does not mean the mountains and lake are any less beautiful. They just start to blend in with the background of a routine life.
Meanwhile, chores, responsibilities, and fatigue from working/parenting can kill sexual spontaneity. While we value love and security, our brains also crave rewards (linked to dopamine.) Dopamine causes the “rush” that drives people to watch porn obsessively, message sexy strangers, and even outright cheat. These are behaviours that aren’t associated with a healthy relationship, and go against people’s better instincts.
Since many men and women in relationships watch porn (in fact, women apparently watch more smut but don’t talk about it as much), and still appreciate their partners, it’s further proof that lust and love are not coming from the same place. You can have the most loving, thoughtful partner, and still crave sexual stimulation from other sources. (Not to mention, porn can also a powerful stimulant for couples.)
There are certain sexual fantasies — like having rough sex or getting pegged (popular among straight men) — that your partner may not be on board with. While you don’t want to leave a relationship you’ve worked hard to build, these types of lustful thoughts won’t get taken care of otherwise.
This is not to say that you should act on your lusty impulses at the expense of your partner. This is a breach of trust, and one you will ultimately feel guilty about — if you truly respect your partner.
A brief encounter with a person looking only for physical intimacy does not trump a loving relationship (what’s five minutes of possibly bad sex in a hotel room compared to years of respect?). Because cheating behaviour can initially trigger a dopamine release, it can lead to more cheating.
Ultimately, a person who cheats will likely never truly be satisfied, repeating the cycle endlessly. It’s a similar principle to drug addiction. You will not be satisfied with that “one drug,” or will eventually need more of it.
We have control over our impulses
So what do we do? Humans cannot simply shut off their lusty thoughts, and I believe it’s unhealthy to do so as it can manifest in unhealthy behaviours including aggression.
However, we are not cave people. We have developed our prefontal cortex over history, which is responsible (among other functions) for keeping our impulses in check. With that in mind, there are ways to help control your sexual desire, if it’s becoming problematic.
This piece is not about shaming people for fantasizing about sexy desires, even when they’re with loving partners. The point is lust can exist independently from feelings of love. They can work together, or they can fight.
The answer is to be open and honest with your partner about your desires, and how best they can be expressed within boundaries. Perhaps they would be willing to try new things in the bedroom that you didn’t expect. Whatever the case, don’t assume they would be shocked or disgusted by you — as they probably have similar thoughts they’re afraid to express. Having sexy thoughts does not make you a bad or dirty person unworthy of a loving relationship.
As for Hank Moody, after seasons of fooling around with other women and breaking promises to his family… well, you’ll have to watch the show to find out what path he chooses in the end. As for your path, well, that’s up to you. Perhaps, both your paths will converge as one.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Nathan Walker on Unsplash
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